“I didn’t feel like I was worth anything.”
Meet Chris*, one of 6 courageous Kiwis who shared their lived experiences with Authentic Storytelling for Mental Health Awareness Week 2021. This is his story.**
TW: Bullying
“I had a panic attack and went to counselling very shortly after. It came out of jealousy and the feeling that there was an asymmetry in the affection in my relationship. There was some rejection there as well, which was really hard for me to deal with.”
28-year-old Chris lives in Napier with his girlfriend and two flatmates; he’s spent the last year trying to gain a better understanding of love, and of himself. “I’d never worried about someone cheating on me before. And, intellectually, I knew that she wouldn’t. But I didn’t feel like I was worth anything at that time, which somehow made it seem more possible.”
One of the things Chris is working hard to unpack is his perception of masculinity, particularly as he enters a more established chapter of adulthood in his life. “I used to get angry and say stuff I didn’t mean. Looking back now, I know it came from trying to be too nice all the time and not being assertive enough or setting boundaries. I’ve since come to accept that I’m actually quite a feminine guy; I’m not the pinnacle of masculinity, which has been quite confronting. It was a difficult realisation which took me by surprise and made me feel a bit uncomfortable.”
With 5 siblings and a father who often worked away from home, Chris spent much of his childhood being raised by his Mum and his older sisters. “I was always much closer to my Mum. I remember, even in my teenage years, not feeling especially comfortable with my Dad one-on-one because I didn’t think we had that much in common.”
“As a middle child, I was sort of afraid to have needs and I did everything I could to avoid conflict. I was bullied pretty badly in school and, even when I was getting regularly punched by my bully in years 7 and 8, I never once hit back, ever. I never told anyone because I didn’t want to be needy. And I never stood up for myself. I had abuse hurled at me as well — verbal abuse — all through high school and I just kind of ignored it and took it on the chin.”
Chris says that he felt like “a total loser” all the way through school, and recalls feeling frightened by adults when he was younger. “There was this one time that I said some funny thing that kids say to a huge group of adults who all started laughing at me, including my parents. I became quite distressed and started crying at them: Don’t laugh at me! Don’t laugh at me! I remember feeling totally rejected and like an outsider. I also remember asking my Dad questions quite a lot when I was younger which often resulted in him calling me naïve and me feeling stupid. I think he’s proud of me now, but I didn’t feel that way growing up.”
A self-professed ambitious over-thinker, Chris has also been wrestling with recent challenges of identity related to his career. He spent his mid-20s as a start-up founder before his business eventually closed and he transitioned into a more traditional research role. “I still look back on that as the happiest time in my life. There was living proof that I wasn’t mediocre. I was someone then. In the work I’ve done since, sometimes it just doesn’t feel that important. My biggest fear is to be ordinary.”
There’s a palpable sense of urgency when Chris talks about his life and his future. “I’m aware of people like me who really crave success but then subconsciously self-sabotage. I’m really scared of doing that. I’m scared of futility; of getting to the end of my life and realising that I should have been doing something different all along.
“I’m also aware that I’m getting older now and I’m balding and there’s a sense of injustice and helplessness in that. Every time you turn on the tele, you can see this massive attractiveness bias in action, with really conventionally attractive people getting better jobs and having everything handed to them. And I know that I internalise all of that. I have someone in my life that I love and who loves me back, but I still worry that I can’t attract her. And that can feel really hopeless, sometimes.”
Since his panic attack, Chris has been in counselling, both on his own and with his girlfriend, a decision that he admits was not easy for him. “Intellectually, I knew that there was nothing wrong with therapy, but I still had this ingrained sense of failure for going in the first place. I couldn’t help but think: Oh, I’m having a breakdown, I’m one of those loose cannons! But, honestly, that went away pretty quickly. My girlfriend and I are now working together on building up a framework of what love should be.”
One unexpected consequence of their couples therapy has been defined, and readily expressed, judgement from their peers, he says. “I’m really pleased that I didn’t listen to people’s opinions about us going to counselling together. So many times we heard something to the effect of: You guys are in counselling already? Man, you’re fucked. You’re not even married yet. But I knew that I wanted to set this relationship up correctly so that it lasts. I figured that, by going now, if we do face an issue later it’s going to be much easier to go back. It took us like 8 months to go after we first started talking about it and, when we finally did, I remember thinking that we should have gone much earlier. It would’ve been so much easier if we had. We had gotten into a bit of a hole with a lot of negativity that we then had to go back and undo, which can definitely happen just within yourself as well. By getting help earlier, you can pull yourself out of that cycle before it gets really bad. I would have no hesitation going back now, even just to try and nut something out or understand it a bit better. It doesn’t always have to be because your world is falling apart.”
At this stage in his journey of self-discovery, Chris says he feels invigorated and optimistic about the future, and is considering a return to the start-up world. “I’m really happy with the momentum I’m seeing in my own self worth and boundary-setting. I know now that there are little things I can do which tell my subconscious that I am worthwhile. Just little stuff like getting my hair cut and standing up straight. You’d be amazed at how much you can improve your confidence just by walking around with purpose. I’m also trying hard to focus on what’s called downward comparisons. So, for instance, instead of comparing myself to someone who has some thing or some attribute that I wish I had, I’ll focus my perspective on someone who doesn’t have everything I have. I’ve found that it helps reframe my thinking to a place of gratitude, instead of jealousy.”
He’s also working hard to better express his needs, if only in incremental ways. “Even at work, it’s always been really hard for me to ask for help. So I’m consciously trying to do that now in really small ways, and slowly build it up from there. I’ve found that just asking for little things can be really quite useful to reassure me that it’s ok to ask for help.”
Chris says he was unsure, at first, if he had a story worth telling. Like many of us, he’s used to seeing mostly sensationalised stories about mental health in the media. “But I realised that part of normalising these conversations is telling the stories that are a bit more common, but less dramatic. My problems aren’t unique, but that’s actually kind of a comfort. Because there are professionals who understand this stuff. There are answers. Some of them are going to be uncomfortable, sure, but that’s ok because everyone is uncomfortable.”
* Some identifying details in this series have been changed to protect the identity of the participants.
** The stories in this series reflect the lived experiences of the participants only, and are not intended to be used as a reference for diagnosis or treatment of any condition. If you are experiencing mental distress, please find emergency resources through Mental Health Foundation, contact Lifeline or a reach out to a medical professional in your local area.
